Bad Yoga Lady

Usually my Saturday morning yoga class is led by a lovely chap called Greg – he’s softly-spoken and funny and manages to encourage you to push yourself without making it into a chore. Nice.

This Saturday however, we had Jacqui. I knew we had a problem from the moment she walked in, ankle bells jingling and underarm hair wafting in the air-conditioned breeze.

She proceeded to make us lie around for a seemingly interminable series of meditations and visualisations:

Jacqui: “Let’s visualise our navel centre, which takes the colour orange… Let’s open our liver and release all the negative energy from our gall bladder…”

CAN WE PLEASE JUST GET ON WITH THE YOGA? Sheesh. You are boring me with your pseudo-holistic twaddle. And your voice is annoyingly grating. And I don’t like the colours we’re visualising. And that man’s feet smell. I don’t want to be here anymore, whose idea was this anyway? Oh right, mine. Okay then, I’m leaving. Or at least I would if I weren’t so British. Cue internal struggle.

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8 Responses to Bad Yoga Lady

  1. Average Jane says:

    I know exactly what you are saying having suffered and still suffering similar yoga classes. And I am not even British! I wrote a post on this long back. Added to my misery is the pathetic english of some instructors which makes the torture sometimes quite unbearable until I am fighting with myself to just lay still and finish the class.

  2. piereth says:

    I dread this sort of thing. I had a similar experience with the t’ai chi teacher I started learning from – she was a paranoid psychotic masquerading as an enlightened spiritual teacher. NOT the best person to be teaching what is to all intents and purposes a martial art! Vicious, she was.

  3. Ed says:

    agreed: all dogma sucks and this is a classic example of wishy washy nonsense. funnily enough many yoga teachers in bristol are pretty tough; my favourite at the mo is a sydney chap who likes a bit of a laugh…

  4. truce says:

    Yeah, the worst of it was she went straight from her ill-understood chakra drivel into a series of back bends for which we were not properly warmed up… I could hear vertebrae creaking all over the place. That was the point at which I got up and left, followed by two others.

  5. Jenny says:

    That’s too bad. I love yoga. Although, I did have a teacher once who made us all hold hands. We were supposed close our eyes and take the energy from our left and give it to our right. Then, we had to open our eyes and gaze warmly at the person across from us.

    First – I don’t want to hold hands with strangers because I don’t know if they’ve washed their hands after going to the bathroom. Second, the only people I want to gaze a warmly are my husband and children … maybe a few close friends.

    Good for you for leaving!

  6. azahar says:

    Kind of on par with my (now replaced) dominatrix pilates instructor then … in the sense of being totally inappropriate. I mean, did you sign up for a meditation class? I didn’t think so.

    The flakiest my yoga instructor gets is sometimes during the relaxation bit at the end she asks us to imagine lying on a beach, or remember a moment when we were truly happy (always have a bit of trouble with that last one), but mostly we just do some tensing and relaxing stuff. Oh, and there’s the thought for the day, which is borderline flaky, but I actually quite like most of the ones she picks.

    Was Jacqui a substitute or do you now have to go look for a new place to take yoga?

  7. ombudsben says:

    Or at least I would if I weren’t so British. Cue internal struggle.

    And you’ve given me one more good reason to continue with my dogwalking regimen for exercise and continue procrastinating on the yoga thing.

  8. truce says:

    Jenny – oooh, yes, I’m with you on the hand holding!

    Az – you’re completely right, I didn’t sign up for meditation, hence my frustration. But ‘Thought for the Day’ can be cool, I’d like that. And Jacqui’s just a sub, so hopefully nice Greg will be back next week.

    Ombudsben – dogwalking and procrastinating are two of my favourite passtimes, too!

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