Shop Assistant bitches x2, 'Dolly', Shopping for Underwear and Historical Fiction is Acceptable Girl Porn

1. Shop Assistant Bitch #1

Me: “Hello, I bought this necklace here on Thursday and I’d like to return it please, as it looks a completely different colour in daylight. I have the receipt here.”

Bitch: *points to small sign, almost hidden by hanging tat, which reads ‘No Refunds. No Credit Notes. Exchanges Only With Receipt’, smiles the World’s Most Blatantly Insincere Smile’*

Me (thinks): “Crikey, she looks just like Cruella de Ville in 101 Dalmations. Scary lady. Don’t argue with her, she kills puppies and makes them into coats.”

Me (says): “Oh. Oh dear. I didn’t see that. Okay, well, I suppose I’d better choose another item to exchange then.”

*So, not liking any other necklaces, I choose several bracelets instead, all of which Shop Assistant Bitch has to get out of the locked cabinet for me to try, sighing loudly each time.*

Bitch: “Are you done yet? I have to go to the toilet.” (by which she means, “I’m alone in the store and I can’t leave you while I go wee in case you steal all the stock, you shifty-looking cow. Don’t think I don’t know what you’re up to.”) Adds: “I really have to go now or I’ll pee myself.”

Me: “Er, okay, sorry.” *puts bracelets down and hurriedly leaves shop*

– waits 10 minutes and then returns to shop –

Me: “Hi, all done now? Great. I’ll just take these then, thanks.”

Bitch: “That doesn’t add up to the total value of the necklace.”

Me: “Right, okay. I’ll take these as well.” *grabs nearest three bracelets, thinking they’d make nice presents*

Bitch: “That still won’t do it.”

Me: (thinks) “Yeah? Well, there is nothing else in your crappy shop that I or anyone I know would be caught dead in, so let’s leave it at that shall we?”

Me: (says) “It doesn’t matter, its only a few dollars difference. I’ll just take these please. Do you need my original receipt?”

Bitch: “No.”

Me: “No? Okay… so, do I just take these then?”

Bitch: “Well, I can’t put them through the computer because they won’t scan.”

Me: “Ah, right. Well, thanks very much for your patience and help. Bye”

2. Shop Assistant (okay, Market Stall Assistant) Bitch #2

Bitch: “What Season Colour are you, darling? Let’s see. Ah yes, Autumn. Yes, definitely Autumn, you have gold in your hair and yellowish skin tones.” *picks up hideous necklace of black, gold, red and pea green beads and tries to hang it round my neck*

Me: (thinks) “‘Yellowish skin tones’?? Thanks a lot bitch. And what Season Colour am I? You’re kidding, right? You’re talking out of your arse. Please shut up and let me look at the pretty things.”

Me: (says) “Um, thanks, but actually I tend to wear more natural colours, blues and greens mostly.  But not pea-green. I never wear red. I don’t like red. I really don’t like red. No. No. No.” 

BItch: *reluctantly takes offending necklace back* “Well, some people don’t know what colours suit them, because you never really see yourself in a mirror, do you?”

Me: (thinks) “Yes you do. Unless you’re a vampire. Vampires don’t have reflections. Are you a vampire? Shit, run!”

Me: (says) “Okay, well, I’m an artist, I see colours well, so no thanks. Bye.”

3. ‘Dolly’

There’s a woman who lives and works near our office in McMahons Point who we have nicknamed ‘Dolly’ because she’s about 5′ 1″ tall, at least 60 years old, and she totters around in 4″ heels, skin-tight jeans with fringes down the seam, a pastel blouse and the most enormous blonde bouffant wig you ever saw outside Nashville topped with a co-ordinating beret set at a rakish angle.  Every day.  I am obsessed by her. She works in the building opposite – which houses an Ad agency and a couple of women’s magazines – probably as a Receptionist, although I’d like to think she was the Creative Director or Vice President of International Sales.

4. Shopping for Underwear

I love new underwear. Makes me feel sexy. Even though noone’s going to see it but me, I know I’m wearing it.

I hate buying new underwear. Especially bras. Why are the sizes so completely different from style to style? Jeez. And why are the really gorgeous lacy ones in nice colours (i.e. not red) never available in my size, goddammit? And why is there always a woman in the fitting room trying on DD and E cup bras, making me feel completely inadequate? Why isn’t breast tissue shared out more fairly? Why? *sigh*

5. Historical Fiction is Acceptable Girl Porn

I work for a ‘serious’ publishing firm.  We make (beautifully illustrated) reference books. However, the office is mainly staffed by women in their late 20s to mid 30s, and we like to read Historical Fiction (We also like to watch BBC Period Dramas, but that’s another story), so much so, in fact, that we have established a regular book swap so we can indulge our secret addiction more cheaply. I believe the reason for this is the sex scenes.  It amazes me that more men don’t read this stuff – its full of sex, war and violence. Seriously, some of them are incredibly erotic – I was actually blushing reading one yesterday at the pool. Granted, some of them are excruciatingly, euphemistically awful… but next time you see a woman on the train reading a big, thick historical saga and smiling to herself, you’ll know why…

Advertisements
This entry was posted in oh I don't know, just stuff and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to Shop Assistant bitches x2, 'Dolly', Shopping for Underwear and Historical Fiction is Acceptable Girl Porn

  1. There really is a ton of sex in historical novels … I went through the Wideacre series earlier this year, and was much astonished.

  2. jiva says:

    I want to know where all these sexy books are. I’ve never been properly edumercated and I need suggestion. I LURVE a bit of sexy bodice ripping drama. List please!

  3. modestypress says:

    This is a little known fact.

    In the past, things were better.

    For example, Stradivari made better violins than the ones made today.

    In general, people had better sex than they do today. That’s why you enjoy reading historical novels. Only they’re really non-fiction. That sucks. Well, they did that better as well.

  4. modestypress says:

    I have changed my impractical scheme. Instead of bringing you to Portland to get it on with David, I think David should come to Sydney.

    You have a good job and enjoy doing it. David doesn’t have a good job, so you can support him while he learns a trade.

    Jack, David’s uninhibited alter, can go with both of you when you go shopping and say all the rude things to shopslatterns that you just think but don’t say.

    David can bring his mom with him. That will take his mom away from his dad. Then she can work on growing up and learning to communicate with David. You are a very experienced nanny, so you can help nanny his mom.

    It is a good thing I am a long distance away from both of you, so you can’t do me bodily harm.

  5. LazyBuddhist says:

    Numbers 1 & 2: reasons why I prefer to do my shopping online, thank you very much. As for #4, trust me the girl with the big boobs trying on bras is probably looking at your more modest assets with some envy. Finding good support for larger ta-tas is a pain can be a real pain.

  6. truce says:

    David – Wideacre? Haven’t seen that one yet, I’ll track it down if you recommend it

    Jiva – oooh, girl, there are zillions… 🙂 I’m currently reading ‘The Bronze Horseman’ by Paulina Simons which I swapped for ‘Cross Stitch’ by Diana Gabaldon. Both great fun, plus you learn some wonderfully well-researched historical stuff at the same time.

    Mr Random – an excellent plan, I second it. (And I wouldn’t do you bodily harm. I’d leave that to Jack)

    LazyBuddhist – I tell myself that, but it doesn’t help much. I don’t want boobs that are too big but nor do I want boobs that are too small. I – like Goldilocks once she grew up – want boobs that are just the right size.

  7. pandemonic says:

    This is soooooo funny. I wish with all my heart that we could afford to bring you here. Maybe I should buy a lottery ticket…

  8. truce says:

    mmm, I often think “God, I wish I won the Lottery” and then I remember that I have never bought a lottery ticket which rather limits my chances somewhat.

  9. modestypress says:

    You will probably be the first person in the world to win a lottery without actually buying a ticket first. I’m trying to think how to make a “virgin birth” joke out of this, but my brain is fried, so I am going to go home instead.

  10. truce says:

    I always felt extremely sorry for Mary. Pregnancy and Labour with none of the fun…

  11. I am not qualified to speak on bracelets, necklaces and such. I have views (and viewed) bras and their occupants and firmly believe they are an uplifting sight. As to historical fiction, I read much of Angelique in my mis-spent youth and have always found this for of fiction to be quite satisfying. Hmmm – perhaps I had better stop here! 😉

  12. FORM!!! not “for”!!! I must be going blind – – –

  13. Pingback: Assuaging my Guilt « curiouser and curiouser

  14. OmbudsBen says:

    Trucie, speaking of your racy historical novels, PBS here in the States ran a program last night on the founding mothers of Australia. It seems the colony was faltering until the powers that be rounded up a shipload of young women (even referring to them as breeding stock) from the prisons and shipped them off to look after the Englishmen.

    Who, rather than being grateful, had hoped for ships with food and complained upon the women’s arrival of having more mouths to feed.

    The voyage over was quite the event, too. It seem they turned the ship into a floating brothel to procure provisions en route. Definitely a pre-Victorian era …

    I can find the name of it, if you have interest.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s