10 Reasons Why I Would Dreadfully Disappoint David

1. When I am nervous, I speak too quickly, running my words together into incomprehensible gibberish, which is decipherable only by children under 5 and rabbits with ear trumpets.

2. I have a lop-sided face. Asymmetry bothers me – I wish my eyebrows were symmetrical. Also, they are blonde and too sparse at the ends to frame my eyes properly so I dyed them recently, which looked worse. Useless, stupid eyebrows.

3. I have a habit of fiddling absent-mindedly with areas of soft, loose material in my clothes when my hands are not actively engaged doing something else. I am convinced this is proof of the old adage that ‘The Devil Finds Work For Idle Hands’… although quite how His Dastardliness benefits from a bit of pashmina twiddling, I don’t know.

4. I can keep a secret, but only just. I have a work one at the moment which I am LONGING to blurt out but I have to keep it until Monday. Nnmmmmmpppthhhpptt.

5. I really like men with tattooed arms, c.f, The Foo Fighters’ Dave Grohl.

6. My skin over-reacts to everything. Cow’s milk? Spots. Perfume? Red blotches. Wool? Big ol’ itchy rash. So don’t go buying me any perfumed woollen milk cartons, k?

7. I am truly crap with money. Truly. Crap. I secretly hope that all the world’s financial institutions will go under and we’ll all have to revert to bartering with shells – I feel sure I’d do a lot better with shells, largely because I already have a considerable collection, ordered along my bathroom windowsill by genus and colour.Β 

8. I never know whether Obama is Republican or Democrat. They both sound as though they should stand for the same thing; viz. a Democratic Republic, unlike Conservatives and Labour, which are clearly different. Ahem. (Please don’t explain the differences – if I really cared, I could Google it).

9. I dislike Opera intensely. Every time I watch one I spend the whole night worrying that the lead male is going to have an apoplexy. Seriously, they shouldn’t let big, fat, sweaty, red-faced men perform on the public stage, its too absurd.

10. I was recently reminded of the emotional turmoil inherent in romantic relationships and I know I would not survive the end of another one. I’m still broken from the last one. Heart of Glass and all that.

Luckily, David is in Portland and I am in Sydney. Β For once, the Fates are taking care of us. πŸ˜‰

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20 Responses to 10 Reasons Why I Would Dreadfully Disappoint David

  1. modestypress says:

    When I write most post about how my wife and I met, as a bonus I will offer useless advice on some of your faults and the problems they pose for the relationship that does not yet exist.

    Alexander Graham Bell’s invention is involved. Also the Moody Blues. (Something most of us have to struggle with from time to time, but one of my daughter’s preschool teachers literally struggled with a Moody Blue. This is true.)

  2. modestypress says:

    When I write my post.

    At some point, after Pandemonics pledge drive, Jane’s pledge drive, and truce’s pledge drive, I will have the pledge drive for dyslexic, ADHD bloggers’s pledge drive for myself.

    Also, I will have a pledge drive for Random Granddaughter’s college education. I figure she will be ready to enroll in Harvard by the age of seven or so, so I should get on it pretty soon. Unless she decides to go to a university in Australia or India or something.

  3. The only way I can remember the difference between Democrat and Republican is a rather rude musical number one of my gay friends one played in his car on cd. If I recall the song, I can remember which is which. This was a fairly hilarious post, though. You should give David a little more credit about the eyebrow thing.

  4. Jenny says:

    Who is David?

    I love tattoos too! But I don’t think I could have a romantic relationship with the type of person who gets a lot of tattoos. I would assume that they’re spontaneous and carefree – I worry too much. I’d drive them nuts.

    What the secret????? I can’t wait until Monday!!! Tell us … no one will know!!!

  5. truce says:

    Mr Random – I am eagerly hot-footing it over to your blog now to find out how you and Mrs Random met, notebook in hand.

    waxingstrange – I have decided that both McCain and Obama should be made to sing and dance to the rude musical number which exlains the differences between Republican and Democrat. Whichever I deem best will get my vote. Of course, since I’m a Brit living in Australia, they may not care over much… And I give David inordinate amounts of credit, but the eyebrow thing would, I fear, be Too Much.

    Jenny – David is here:
    http://davidrochester.wordpress.com/
    He writes beautifully and Mr Random is scheming – so far unsuccessfully – to bring us together for a date since we’re both single and… well, that about covers what we have in common actually, other than a blog, a history of mental health problems, low self-esteem and similar taste in historical fiction, so David quite rightly considers that it would be a disaster for us to meet in real life.

    Tattoos are less a sign of spontaneity, I think, than a sign a) that you’d like to be considered ‘alternative’ (though an alternative to what, is anyone’s guess) and that b) you can stand a certain amount of physical discomfort. I know intellectually that they are ridiculous, but I find them sexy. Only on men though, and only on the upper body, and only if they’re well-drawn. Can’t stand those badly-drawn pneumatic female figures writhing around snakes and lovehearts.

    I can’t tell the secret til Monday, its a Test of my Will and Righteousness.

  6. modestypress says:

    truce,

    You will be disappointed. I won’t get the story told until this weekend, I am afraid. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me and be patient with me. My wife finds many faults with me. We yelled at each other this morning, but made up before I left for work.

  7. truce says:

    I never shout, fear not. I find its far more scary and thus behaviour-controllingly-effective to speak quietly when I am angry…

    I will do my best to be patient and will tell myself that I will have something to look forward to reading over the weekend πŸ™‚

  8. azahar says:

    “Asymmetry bothers me”

    It should really be symmetry that creeps you out. . .

  9. truce says:

    Oh, yes, I had forgotten all about those, thanks for the timely reminder. Still, I’d like symmetrical eyebrows, even if the rest stays lopsided πŸ˜‰

  10. azahar says:

    Eyebrows! Don’t talk to me about eyebrows. I hardly have any at all and have to pencil them in before going out in public.

    I remember once reading that Michelle Pfeifer’s face is almost perfectly symmetrical, so it does actually work sometimes.

  11. Ed says:

    damn, you’re funny. that’s probably a very irritating thing to say, but it cheered me right up πŸ™‚

  12. truce says:

    as – remind me to slap Michelle Pfeiffer next time I see her.

    Ed – not remotely annoying. And you’re bloody funny yourself.

  13. LazyBuddhist says:

    I have a weird body dysmorphic thing going on where I can’t see my eyebrows. When I look at my face, I simply don’t see them. Which means they are quite untended, but frankly I just don’t notice. No one has ever mentioned my eyebrows being hideous so I’m going to assume either a) they are not or b) no one notices eyebrows anyway – unless they are missing or your genetic predisposition tends towards have caterpillar unibrows.

  14. pandemonic says:

    All of your reasons sound like you’d be perfect for David. Except that last one.

  15. Tattoos are sometimes a sign that a person would dearly love to have a decorative item around their ankle but cannot seem to wear bracelets or ankle bracelets without having them explode off their body. That would be me. . . which explains the beautiful dragon encircling my right ankle.

    Do not mistake the names of our two political parties for names of governmental styles. The US lives in a democratic republic, rather than a democracy. but the names of the parties have evolved over the years after our constitution established the republic.

    Obama is a Democrat. McCain is a Republican. Little Mnemonic: Cain=can the last syllable of republican.

  16. That’s okay, David’s original internet fiancee (one of my conjoined triplet sisters) is allergic to cats. I’m sure you’ll be fine. πŸ˜‰

  17. truce says:

    LB – I have all sorts of weird body dysmorphic things going so, I hear ya! At least we can both be thankful that we don’t have a monobrow… πŸ˜‰

    pandemonic – yup, that’s usually the deal-breaker.

    hmh – I love the mental picture of bracelets exploding off your body!

  18. truce says:

    LittleFluffyCat – huh?! *rubs fluffy’s head*

  19. that about covers what we have in common actually, other than a blog, a history of mental health problems, low self-esteem and similar taste in historical fiction

    That seems to me to be more than most couples have in common, from what I observe. *throwing away lifetime supply of perfumed woollen milk cartons* I particularly love that one of your tags here is “meme,” as though everyone might have a handy list of ten reasons why they would disappoint me. πŸ™‚

    But the least I can do is to reciprocate with Ten Reasons Why I Would Dreadfully Disappoint Truce, so here they are:

    1) I’m not tall enough. I love tall women, but I’m 5′ 11″, so I think if you were wearing fancy shoes (which of course I would encourage) you’d be as tall or taller than I am.

    2) I don’t want to be a parent, but I’m maddeningly good with kids, and so the resultant cognitive dissonance is downright painful.

    3) I can’t sit still, ever. I’m always fiddling or fussing with something. It’s a form of purgatorial torture to be next to me at a concert or a movie.

    4) There’s something just plain wrong with my hair. It always looks like I just got out of bed or went through a wind tunnel. If I have it cut short enough to avoid this problem, I look like a convict.

    5) I rarely fold my clean laundry. I just leave it in the dryer and pull things out as I need them. Sometimes I’ll wash a new load before I’m done pulling things out of the old load, and then I just overload the dryer with too much stuff, which takes longer to dry and is a huge irresponsible waste of energy.

    6) I am an alcohol snob. I visibly look down my nose at people who drink sweet cocktails. I sneer at those who cannot tolerate neat scotch. I scoff at those who can’t tell a Merlot from a Cabernet.

    7) I am the world’s least adept gift-giver under pressure. I give wonderful spontaneous gifts, but birthdays, Christmas, and anniversaries? Forget it. Hopeless.

    8) I can’t ever go on vacation because any form of travel makes me horribly motion sick. I can drive two hours from my house if I take a couple of Dramamine and I’m the one driving, but other than that, it’s hopeless.

    9) I have a ludicrously sensitive digestive system, and so there are lots and lots of fun things I can’t eat, and better still, lots of things I don’t know how I’ll react to until it’s too late and I’m locked in the bathroom for the rest of the night.

    10) I’m intimacyphobic.

    … so there. πŸ™‚

  20. That smiley face with the sunglasses was supposed to be a number 8. Hmmmm.

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