The Universe Conspires to Throw Nonsense in My Path

1. On TV last last was an advert for ‘Partner Tracker‘, an app that allows you to know exactly where your partner is at any time, using the GPS and GSM thingies in their mobile phone (whatever they are – presumably a very small bearded person called George Pernard Shaw or George Sherpa Maw who can shout their location loudly and continually at a frequency too high for normal human ears to hear but which can be detected by specially trained dachshunds back at Partner Tracker HQ. You may scoff, but this seems much more plausible to me than a little lump of plastic and silicon in your hand communicating silently with a network of robot brains orbiting the planet thousands of miles above your head using nothing but zeros and ones).  Will this be the end of infidelity?  More likely the end of trust and peace of mind and the beginning of precisely the kind of obsessive neurotic behaviour which leads people to look outside their relationship for fun.  No longer will teens be able to lie to their parents “I’m going over to Jo/Joe’s house to study” when in reality they’re snorting coke off the cover of their maths textbook in a local strip club.  The naughty little beggars.  Harumph.

2. Another advert promised a ring tone for your mobile in which a cartoon bearded skeleton called Achmed cries “Silence! I kill you!” whenever you get an incoming call.  The Dead Terrorist Ring Tone.  WTF?  I’m all for freedom of expression and humour at someone else’s expense, but really, is this funny?  Nope.  If I hear anyone with this ringtone I may be forced to stab them with a pencil as a favour to the collective gene pool.

3. On the news I saw the current head of the British Armed Forces, the charmingly named Sir Jock Stirrup.  I kid thee not. Seriously, even Dickens couldn’t have made that one up.  I hope he has an aide called Captain Darling.

4. See?  I’ve cheered up.  The sight of my brother and sister-in-law yesterday (via the marvel of Skype video-calling) vainly trying to catch a doomed mouse which their cat, Bumpy, had helpfully brought in to the house as a love token, before they could collapse into bed after a hard weekend taking my almost-one-year-old niece to her first Guy Fawkes Bonfire Night, was enough to give me hiccups from laughing.  It also reminded me that the worst I can complain about is that I miss them, which is my own fault entirely. Everything else in my life is fine.  So I’m going to get a grip and stop whining.

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10 Responses to The Universe Conspires to Throw Nonsense in My Path

  1. modestypress says:

    hard weekend taking my almost-one-year-old niece to her first Guy Fawkes Bonfire Night

    How about aGuy Fawkes ringtone:

    Remember, remember the fifth of November,
    The gunpowder, treason and plot,
    I know of no reason
    Why the gunpowder treason
    Should ever be forgot.”

  2. truce says:

    Good point, I wonder how many Christians/Catholics who currently fear Muslim ‘terrorists’ remember Guy Fawkes and his terrorist bomb plot conspiracy? One man’s terrorist is another’s freedom fighter, I suppose.

  3. OmbudsBen says:

    Somewhere in the novel The French Lieutenant’s Woman the author rants for a few paragraphs about technology increasing the pace of life, complaining it seems as if the goal is not to make life better, but to hasten it to a more perfect lightning flash.

    Perhaps. Or maybe I’m part of the conspiracy you write of … nyuh-uh-aahh …

  4. There. I KNEW there was a reason I didn’t want to carry around a cell phone all the time.

  5. truce says:

    Ombudsben – I love it when I read about people complaining of the pace of change from hundreds of years ago. I remember a particularly special rant of Plato’s in one of his dialogues where one of the speakers rants about ‘the youth of today’ with their long hair and their confusing new-fangled ideas…

    hmh – 😉

  6. Confused I am. Away the technology takes the force.

  7. My God, you young kids today just don’t understand what it used to be like when I was a kid!!!! I don’t complain about the pace of change, I just stand back and gasp in astonishment. I mean, cell phones? Lets not even talk about the iPhone with its amazing connectivity, or the possibility of having one piece of electronic equipment the size of a pack of gum that can take pictures, post them on the internet and send and receive email, plus allow you to listen to the music you want or read a book. When I was a child the phone had an actual dial that went around in a circle, there were no area codes, and it had a cord. In fact the first phone number that I remember from my childhood had a number that began Highland2, HI2, which translates to 442- Plus, we had a party line, which meant that more than one household shared a phone line and when the phone rang you had to listen to the pattern of the ring in order to determine whether it was for you or your neighbor.

    People who grew up with that sort of arrangement learned not to talk about anything on the phone that they didn’t want everyone else in town to know about, since it was quite possible that your neighbors were listening to your call. Plus, since everybody had to share, there was none of this blathering on about silly stuff for half an hour. You said what you had to say, and then got off the line.

    But I love the computer and the internet, even if I do feel like I’m living in a science fiction novel sometimes.

  8. modestypress says:


    There is a very strong chance Random Granddaughter will grow up to be you. I am working on a series of posts about her existential crisis at four years of age.

    hands: I had similar experiences. I have shared a party line on the telephone. I also have the feeling of living in a science fiction novel.

  9. truce says:

    Archie/Yoda – Not try, do. There is no try.

    hmh – aha, I’m showing my age now because I remember a time before mobile phones! When I was a student, nobody had a desktop pc much less a laptop, and the internet was just green words on a black screen – no pictures and no formatting to speak of.

    But now I wouldn’t be without my iPhone: with its Plant ID index, dive tables, yoga routines, GPS running trail tracker, free books, language lessons, etc etc etc 🙂

  10. truce says:

    Mr Random – well, I’d love to say she could do worse, but the facts bear a different interpretation!

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