Eva again and the date again

1. I’ve been asked for another Eva story, and I’m terrifically obliging so here it is:

One Tuesday morning Eva, who was in her forties when I knew her, arrived wearing a new dress and matching red cardigan. I dislike red, but I am polite and a liar so:

Me: “That’s a jolly nice dress, Eva, and I like the cardi, too. Are they new?”

Eva: “Yes. And I have new pants. Look!”

*hoiks dress up over her head to reveal the new red undies and does a full 180 degree twirl*

Me: “Er, very nice, yes.”

2. Look, Mike-the-suit-and-purple-striped-shirt, I realise that most women my age are actively seeking men who are financially stable, smartly dressed and keen to settle down in the suburbs immediately. I am not one of those women – but you weren’t to know that, of course, so I understand that you expected me to be impressed on our date last night when you said that you have your own accountancy consulting business based in the City.

I did my best, I swear, but really *yawn* I couldn’t care less how much money you have, what car you drive or why the Isle of Man qualifies as a tax haven.

Also, I am fundamentally and comprehensively uninterested in hearing a detailed history of your sinus issues, nor will I laugh delightedly over an anecdote about a friend of yours who has a harem of barely legal girls in Thailand that he pays off and replaces when they reach 25. Seriously, man, that shit’s not funny, trust me.

So, when you said “It was nice to meet you. I’d like to do this again sometime, can I call you?” and I said “It was nice to meet you, too” and then left at speed, what that actually means is “No. Way.”

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17 Responses to Eva again and the date again

  1. azahar says:

    Did you know that you can now “speeddate” on Facebook? At least you wouldn’t have to bother getting dressed.

  2. Fugitive Pieces says:

    1. Every office needs an Eva. It should be mandated.
    2. Oh dear God, you had a date with a Shirt-Man. No, really, you could have left on seeing the Shirt. But if David wants to export the Mr Know-All from his head (to an iPhone app?), I think we still need it. The Shirt is a necessary clue, but not always sufficient; there are bound to be funny, hot, tattooed, dreadlocked blond men who cram themselves into bad shirts for dates. Right?
    Please say there weren’t any jokes about animals. The Thai anecdote was just…badness.

  3. See, the great thing about me is that I wait until *at least* the third date before doing the detailed-history-of-sinus-issues thing.

  4. Oh, and Eva is hilarious. Srsly. That’s priceless.

  5. piereth says:

    Sinuses? Really?

    I’m staggered, bamboozled, set back on my heels by that as evidence of what Mike the Stripe (HA! Michael Stripe!) thinks is sexy chat. And Eva should come work with us. She sounds GREAT!


  6. woo says:

    Azahar – hmmm, I’ll look into it and let you know how I go…

    Fugitive Pieces – why any man with Caucasian skin would think a purple shirt would work is beyond me. Are they *trying* to look apoplectic? I mean, puce? Really?

    David – rather predictably, as soon as he started on the sinus story I thought “David wouldn’t mention his sinuses on a first date. Or, if he did, it would be funny.” then I thought “Stop comparing him with the Incomparable David.” 😉 and yes, Eva was a gem.

    Piereth – Michael Stripe! LOL

  7. modestypress says:

    Stop being nice to people. You may have to move to another continent again, but what the hell.

  8. pandemonic says:

    1. Woo hoo!

    2. Mr Random and I really need to get cracking on that pledge drive to get you to the US.

  9. modestypress says:

    Judging by my fund-raising schills demonstrated so far, woo will be able to get to the US by paddling a surfboard.

  10. modestypress says:

    skills though the typo is equally silly

  11. Thank you so much for obliging with another Eva story. I’m sorry to hear that Mike-the-stripe was such a sleaze. The fact that he would relate such an anecdote on a first date, coupled with tales of his fabulous stability just sounds depressing.

  12. woo says:

    Mr Random – stop being nice to people? Now, that’s a first. Mostly, I have to remind myself not to be curt and impatient with people. 🙂 Also, I am a big fan of your schills…

    Pandemonic – I think your office needs an Eva 😉

    Waxingstrange – there’s another in the comments after the first post, too. And I’m over Mike-the-stripe now. I’m now in touch with a much more promising sounding individual… more later!

  13. litlove says:

    I think I must be sick because I do find bad-date stories hilarious. Whilst knowing that the experience is akin to having one’s teeth cleaned. I am sorry he was seriously not The One, but glad he had the grace to show this upfront, and in about ten minutes, by the sound of it.

    And Eva is quite a gal.

  14. woo says:

    Litlove – fear not, I, too, find bad date stories hilarious… as he was telling me about the Thai harem I found myself thinking “They’re not going to believe this!”

  15. azahar says:

    Have you ever been to Billy Kwong’s?

    Sydney Cuisine

    Maybe on your next date?

  16. woo says:

    I haven’t eaten in the Opera House yet, I have to confess. Well, I have, but only in the outdoor bar area where they do wonderful pre-theatre meals which are simple and cheap 🙂

    I’ll bear Billy Kwong’s in mind tho, if the next RSVP chap ever responds to my last email and we arrange to meet…

  17. Well, I’m sorry the hot date was a bust, but what did you expect from a guy who listed “watching porn and kicking puppies” as his interests?

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