In Which I Narrowly Escape Death

Yesterday afternoon the book shelves on the wall behind my desk collapsed, falling forward and casting hardback books and lever arch files in a deadly arc towards my exposed and vulnerable neck, severing my spinal cord and causing massive skull fractures which in turn led to inter-cranial haemorrhaging.

Well, they would have done, had I actually been sitting at my desk at the time.

Luckily, I merely heard the crash from the (relative) safety of an RnD meeting and returned to find the contents of the shelves strewn around my desk being prodded by several stunned colleagues who were stumbling through the wreckage like victims in the wake of a terrorist attack… and who are now eyeing the shelves above their own desks somewhat askance.

Apparently, the fact that this is a book publishing company and that, consequently, its staff might need to, like, store actual books on the shelves was lost on the muppet who put them up using only inch and a half screws in plastic rawl plugs.

Evidence of the plot against me

Colleague: “Well, your Guardian Angel must be looking out for you today!”

Me: “Yes. Lovely. And, if they’re listening, of course I’m terribly grateful but if they could just turn their attention to delivering Niall Ferguson or Nathan Fillion, naked and oiled, to my flat at some point in the not-too-distant future I’d be even more impressed.”

Colleague: “Ha ha, you’re so funny.”

Me: “That wasn’t a joke.”

Colleague: “ha ha haaa!”

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12 Responses to In Which I Narrowly Escape Death

  1. sledpress says:

    Oiled? I’d skip that part; you slip off them.

    On the other hand, if I got my hand on whoever put those shelves up, he’d end up well lubricated. Inside.

  2. modestypress says:

    A similar event spared me about 44 years ago. I was working on a Chevrolet auto assembly line in Los Angeles. Part of my job took place at a worktable where I inserted useless pieces of chrome trim in useless pieces of metal, before I attached them to bumpers. The other part of the job consisted of standing next to the moving bumper line, where I attached bolts and useless strips of chrome trim. Behind my work table three large bins of automobile fans (each bin about 4 feet high) were stacked three high, to a total height of about 12 feet.

    One of the bins had not been staced properly, and fell on my work table, spilling fans all over the table. I had been standing at the moving line at the time, so I heard the loud crash behind me, but was not crushed by falling fans. Hence I lived to write a silly blog.

    It seems more noble to be crushed to death by falling books, but I am sincerely glad you missed such a literate catastrophe.

  3. woo says:

    sledpress – *chokes with laughter*

    Mr Random – more noble, possibly, but that is probably the closest I will ever come to nobility 🙂

  4. Obit.; Woo, survived climbing slippery and vertiginous mountains, diving with man and woman eating sharks and journeys to the centre of the Earth only to be crushed to death by her one true love, books.

    [meetings do have their uses 🙂 ]

  5. woo says:

    Oh, the irony! 😉

  6. azahar says:

    “It seems more noble to be crushed to death by falling books”

    Oh, I don’t know, modesty. If you left out “automobile” then you would have simply been crushed by fans, leaving friends and acquaintances wondering about your hitherto unspoken of fame.

    I haven’t heard of Niall Ferguson nor Nathan Fillion. Am suddenly feeling old and out of it. Must google…

  7. azahar says:

    Yes, I googled and agree – Nathan is definitely studly. Niall … probably has a sexy brain.

    • sledpress says:

      Sexy brains are what do it for me at the end of the day (which I suspect is true of most book lovers, and by the way, now Woo’s story is reminding me of the time I found I had been doing something I will not describe here just below an alarmingly unsecured bookcase; I wonder how man of us have flirted with doom in this manner?). But it’s always disturbed me how much Captain Hammer the character resembled my Albino Ex, aside from pigmentation…

  8. I have never narrowly escaped death from falling objects, books, fans or otherwise. I have however narrowly escaped death by being struck by lightning, which is quite exciting in its own right.

    I’m afraid to google those boys names. I have quite enough to contend with at home at the present time.

    I am in agreement with sledpress. Give me a sexy brain over a studly muffin head any day. It helps if the sexy brain is attached to a person who likes to cook gourmet dinners for me and who helps with housework.

  9. Well I fell from grace and googled them both. They are both fine enough looking fellows, but a little too much chipmunk cheek there for my taste. I’m afraid I go for that long lean face with the deepset eyes. My fave is not famous, you won’t find pictures of him on google. But I’m extremely partial, not the least bit objective.

    We’re going mushroom hunting today.

  10. David says:

    I think that if I had to choose a method of sudden death, “crushed by books” would be right up there in my top five.

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