Ok, where do I start?

I’ve already written this post once and then deleted it…

1. Friday night’s speed-dating event was enlivened by a short, oily indonesian man who stared like a cat watching birds through the window and asked every woman in turn “Do you like sex?”. I kid thee not.

2. I cancelled my planned second date on Saturday with Geologist Guy because the second date with Swimmer Guy on Thursday had gone so well and I didn’t feel comfortable ‘dating’ more than one chap at a time.

3. Swimmer Guy clawed his way back out of the hole he had dug by over-reacting to my desire to take things more slowly after our first date a couple of months ago – our second date on Thursday night was good. He took me to the local yacht club and was amusing without relying on sex-based humour, we won $50 on the triva quiz and he kissed me goodnight confidently and comprehensively but left with a good grace when I made it clear I wasn’t going to invite him in.

So far, so good.

And did I mention that he has appealingly big, strong arms? 😉

We arranged to meet again on Sunday afternoon for a walk and then for him to come over and cook dinner. I made it clear, again, that he wouldn’t be staying over and that we would not be having sex. Not yet. He really was adamant about the cooking dinner thing though, so I figured either a) he likes to cook or b) he likes to impress girls with the one dish he can cook or c) its his ‘move’ for getting into a girl’s home/pants: once in, easier to manoeuvre into staying the night, right?

As it turns out, folks, the correct answer is c.

Sunday afternoon’s walk became an invitation to join him for his 5 year old niece and 8 year old godson’s birthday party which, since I like kids, I accepted. Then he asked if I could get the presents, as he was playing rugby all afternoon. Er, okay, sure. Then it turns out that the party is at his parents place, where he also lives (in the pool house) and that I’ll be meeting them and his aunt and uncle and several cousins. WTF? Too late, though; by the time I find that out we’re already in the car on the way there…

“It will be fine,” I tell myself, robustly. “Parents always like you, you’re polite and friendly. And kids always like you, you know about dinosaurs and don’t talk to them as though they’re retarded. Anyway, its only for a couple of hours. It’ll be fine. There’ll probably be cake. Just text a friend with the address, so someone knows where you are, k?”

The party and the kids and the relatives were all lovely, as was he, mostly: he is more physically demonstrative and affectionate than I’m used to. Not that that is necessarily a bad thing, I just don’t feel comfortable being constantly cuddled, nuzzled and kissed by someone I’ve only met three times.

Anyway, post-party we bought groceries and headed back  to my place to cook dinner. Which he did beautifully.

Then came more nuzzling and tampering and (you may want to stop reading here, depending on how squeamish you are about other people’s intimate relations) the whole rigmarole of why he should stay over because my place is close to his gym and ‘nothing needs to happen, we can just cuddle’ blah blah blah.

Yeah yeah, what am I, sixteen? I’ve heard that one before, mate.

So, here’s a question for you: is it just me, or is it rather disturbing for someone with whom one has not yet had sex to talk – in quite some detail – about venturing to a swingers party together?

Yep. That’s what I thought.

Sheesh, can I pick ’em, right?

4. On the plus side, I’m meeting Engineering Designer for a first-date drink tomorrow night. He and I had a lovely, easy phone conversation on Monday night. He may not make my face ache from laughing like Swimmer Guy, but at least he didn’t ask me whether I’d be up for a threesome…

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31 Responses to Ok, where do I start?

  1. modestypress says:

    One of the funniest cartoons I ever saw in my life was published many years ago in the American sex magazine, Playboy.

    Before I get to the cartoon I have to provide a non-explnation explanation. Many years ago I somehow came into (through no action of my own and and purely by accident) a three year subscription to Playboy magazine and no cost to me and in the name of somebody named “Wendy.” My wife, who has small breasts and hates Playboy magazine with a fervent passion because it features pictures of naked women with large breasts, tolerated this subscription. At the end of three years, the subscription expired. I said I was going to nenew the subscription because the articles were interesting (which some were) and the fiction well written (which it was). [Yeah, right.’

    My wife looked at me and said, “It’s your choice: decide whether you want to renew your subscription or you want to stay married to me.” It’s at least 30 years later and we are still married.

    Anyway, the cartoon runes like this. It was drawn with great skill and talent.

    It shows two couples, and older couple and a younger couple. The older couple are the essence of two depraved and jaded persons. The younger couple are the essence of beautiful naivete. They obviously have just met and just finished having a pleasant dinner together.

    The older man has obviously just asked the younger couple a question. The younger man is answering.

    He says, “Well, it is kind of late. But sure…where is your swing? Out in your back yard?”

    What is funniest of all about this, is something like this exchange actually happened to my wife and me. But this comment is too long already, so I won’t go into it any more, except to say that I am not making a word of this up.

    I also will say that I hope things are going well for you in all regards.

  2. jiva says:

    I’m surprised you’ve put up with “swimmer guy” this much already. I would not have. moves like that are enough to make me run a mile, especially the family thing. Then swingers? what the hell is he on?

  3. sledpress says:

    Speaking as a Jaded Old Tart who was young in the Seventies, that being the time when creepy guys were coming out of the woodwork assuming that “Sexual Freedom” meant they could have all they wanted for free, it doesn’t get any better putting up with these guys. They have the emotional range of three year olds and the sensitivity of a toilet seat.

    Many years later I had this kind of trip laid on me by a man who was intelligent, accomplished and musically talented — all things that you would think moved a person beyond this kind of manipulative and tasteless pushiness. It barfed me out just as much then as it had in my youth, except that I had much more self-confidence about drawing a line on someone who seemed mainly interested in carving notches on his bedpost.

    So, bottom line, it ain’t just you. Yech.

    • sledpress, I just want to let you know that musicians are the most depraved and sex-starved group in the world, and classical musicians are the worst so don’t all you parents feel relieved that your girlchild has taken up with a cellist in the symphony. You have been warned.

  4. woo says:

    That’s what I figured. I don’t wish to be a prude, but swinging is definitely where I draw the line. A big fat line, reinforced by a palisade and ditch filled with sharpened stakes. 🙂

    • How can you pay the proper amount of attention to your partner if you are swinging? I have never understood that. I used to have a home made (by me) hand embroidered shirt I wore everywhere that read “Sex is not a spectator sport.” I’ll tell you, I got lots of double takes on that one.

  5. So, you’re dumping the asshole, right?

    There are so many things wrong with every God-damned thing he did that it would take me a comment longer than your post to go into them all.

    The swingers’ club suggestion didn’t even faze me — I’d written him off when he asked if you could pick up the gifts. What. A. F***cker.

  6. LazyBuddhist says:

    I gotta agree with David here, I woulda been making excuses when he asked me to pick up the gifts – and meeting the family on the 3rd date? Oh I don’t think so. And as for the threesome comment, wow, just wow.

  7. sledpress says:

    I just reread this and noticed the part about him living in the pool house.

    It’s beyond Run Like Hell. It’s Run Like Hell And Strew Broken Glass In Your Wake.

  8. Jasmine says:

    It’s hilarious, what comedy fodder this young man is. To have swum for Australia then to end up living in his parents’ pool house—he’s a candidate for We can be Heroes.

    I can’t stop tittering, the pool house has totally got me, did anyone else think ruprecht from dirty rotten scoundrels??

    Sorry I feel a bit mean laughing so, but seeing as he did ask you to pick up the prezzies.

  9. And might I add … save yourself some time and social awkwardness next time, and listen to your gut. I hate to sound judgmental, but if someone needs a “second chance” after only one or two dates, chances are he didn’t deserve the first chance. You’re a smart woman. You know the difference between someone being awkward or not at his best, and being a jerk. This guy is, was, and always has been a jerk, world without end, Amen.

  10. I third what David stated so eloquently. Isn’t it unfathomable how people can seem so pleasant, so witty, so charming, and then turn out to be a total waste of time? I hope Engineering Designer is at least a gentleman. Sheesh.

  11. David Rochester is soooo right. About the “second” chance thing. And you being smart.

    Oh, it wasn’t a total waste of time, was it? You got to meet some kids and nice relatives and have cake.

    But I have to say, Lazybuddist is right, when he asked you to get the presents was when you should have said “Oh, my poor old aunt!” (identify the operetta this line comes from and you get 10 points on the trivia quiz) “I have to go to the funeral.” How are you supposed to get presents for young ladies you don’t know???? Either that, or go ahead and get the presents and stop by the local farm supply store and acquire a nice cattle prod as well. I don’t wear heels, but anyone who was nuzzling me when I wasn’t comfortable with it would be wearing the imprint of my boots on his shins and higher up if he didn’t get the hint with the shins.

    Better luck with the next guy.

  12. OmbudsBen says:

    Look at it this way. If the criterion is to find interesting grist for blog posts, you succeed wildly, yes?

    • woo says:

      Well, yes, that did occur to me as he was speaking actually. I remember thinking “My blogosphere buddies are not going to believe this guy…” 🙂

  13. piereth says:

    Gotta go with David on this one – talk about assuming too much immediately!!

    Did he think your meeting his parents would make you lubricious or something?? This guy is TWISTED.

    • woo says:

      Piereth m’dear, I have no idea what the chap was thinking. I mean, really, under what circumstances other than a cheap porno movie would that have been a good conversation for date #3??

  14. Fugitive Pieces says:

    Um. I think the voices inside his head were louder than the voices outside it.
    The man is being driven by so many shrieking devils (entertain her! seduce her! cook for her! manipulate her! bone her! introduce her to parents! all in one weekend!) that he probably didn’t notice that you were talking. At all.
    He is, in fact, Captain OverRide. He’ll make an excellent warning tale for your grand-daughter. And now to find someone who sees, hears and delights in you, because that was just…special, but not the brand of special you seek.

  15. woo says:

    Fugitive Pieces – LOL. “These are not the droids you seek”.

    And as an aside: another date last night with a chap who stated that “all black people are stupid” which, when I begged to differ, he backed up with the assertion “I grew up in South Africa, I know”. Needless to say, after explaining that I knew plenty of stupid white people (reality TV shows offer plenty of glaring examples) and that intelligence had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with race, I left.

    On the plus side, nice English Designer chap has invited me camping 🙂

    • azahar says:

      Holy fuck! I probably would have bitch-slapped the bigoted asshole’s stupid white face before storming out … your restraint is admirable.

      So, when is the book coming out?

  16. Fugitive Pieces says:

    Well, after the last week, English Designer chap is not going to have to exert himself to impress, is he? The absence of idiocy would be a cracking start. If he can put a tent up, bonus.
    Where do these men COME from? Are they hunting a mother for their Übermenschen offspring, and mistaking your blonde- blue-eyed-ness for a guarantee of fellow feeling? How could anyone secure in their superior intelligence be so bloody stupid – on a first date? WTF?
    Sorry, dummy spit over *shakes head sadly* Have fun camping.

  17. piereth says:

    All black people are stupid – yeah, right 🙂

    We only have to look as far as a George Bush / Obama comparison shot for the ultimate proof of that, right??

    Who SAYS things like that, really???? I wonder if they realise it makes them come off as total knuckledraggers?

    And swimmer guy must have got the ‘meet the parents’ thing to work prior to trying it on you – dickslingers are creatures of habit and also lazy. I bet you scared the nuts off him by not succumbing to his ‘clever’ ‘ruse’.

  18. woo says:

    Azahar – yep, I rather wish I had just emptied my drink into his lap, informed the whole pub that he was a racist, and then walked out.

    The book is a problem – I need a happy ending to finish it and so far… 😦

    Fugitive Pieces – hmmm, English Designer – in typical Englishman fashion – left at the end of his final day freelancing here on Friday without finding me to swap numbers. Admittedly, I was in meetings all afternoon, but still. We’ll see if he genuinely did want to stay in touch if he finds a way to contact me through work.

    Makes you realise how wonderful men like John are, non?

    piereth – I know, I was in the moment, listening to him say that, and at the same time thinking “You’re kidding. Do people really still think this kind of indefensible bollocks?”

  19. OmbudsBen says:

    Wait, there’s a book? Did I miss a post on this?

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