In Which Nature Conspires Against Me But I Have My Revenge

1. I walk to work through a small park. In this park there are trees. In one of these trees is a nest. The nest is situated at the very end of a low branch overhanging the footpath. Every time I walk along this footpath I am now attacked by birds which is heart-thumpingly Hitchcockian. Worse; they are ninja kamikaze dive-bombing birds – their approach is silent, they give no warning tweet to advertise their evil avian intent to peck your brains out through your cranium for your unwitting trespass too close to their eggs.

2. On Sunday I was happily scoffing a plate of eggs and bacon, whilst reading a book, as is my wont. I admit that my attention, therefore, was not wholly on my plate. However, little did I suspect the dastardly plot which was being hatched behind me. A miner bird hopped up onto the back of the chair opposite me, so I kept my eye on him (for tis his brethren who lunge at me from the skies in the park) only for a ruddy great seagull to swoop across the table, all flappily squawking, and make off with a large slice of buttered Turkish toast and half my eggs.

3. Nature may think she has me on the run, starving and with a suppurating head-injury, but no, I am made of sterner stuff. Today, I ate my ice-cream indoors, where it is safe and where any pigeon looking at me askance must do so from the other side of a pane of glass. That will teach them. Oh yes.

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14 Responses to In Which Nature Conspires Against Me But I Have My Revenge

  1. modestypress says:

    Pecking madly and futily at pane of glass.

  2. 1) Please invest in a helmet.

    2) That is a cannibal bird, stealing your eggs. That’s just disturbing.

    3) Serves them right.

  3. piereth says:

    Wear a hat shaped like a fried egg, slathered in superglue. That’ll give the buggers something to think about.

  4. woo says:

    Mr Random – get away! AWAY!!!

    David – you know, the cannibalism element hadn’t occured to me…

    Piereth – A first rate plan, ta.

  5. It’s only cannibalism if they are eating the eggs of their own species, right?

    We used to have dive bombing starlings and grackles along a running path in Golden Gate Park. Of course the best story about territorial birds is the grackle that set up housekeeping in the Santa Rosa plum tree. Not only was she not particularly interested in the plums, but she tolerated no other birds or animals near “her” tree, and so the crop of plums was undisturbed and ripened beautifully. We got a bumper crop of plums that year, thanks to her, and so her missions of protection against us were sort of mitigated, in retrospect.

  6. modestypress says:

    Many years ago, my wife and I saw a pair of starlings mating in a tree next to our house. At the end of the coupling, the male starling fell to the ground and lay still, as if dead. After a few minutes, however, he perked right up and returned to obnoxious starling activities.

    Almost put me off sex for a day or two, but not quite.

  7. doctordi says:

    Hi Woo… thought I’d come and give you a wave after Piereth mentioned your writing credits, and I must say, I gasped and a hand flew to my mouth when I got to Swimmer Guy’s swinging proclivities in the previous post – that is just hilarious. I just wanted to add that spring is all about the birds, isn’t it, and this time of year, they’re terrifying.

  8. woo says:

    Healingmagichands – excellent, a Grackle Guard Dog… kinda

    David – me, too. And people from Bondi (they’re the Australian equivalent of Californians).

    Mr Random – LOL were you close enough to see if he had a smile on his beak, at least?

    Doctordi – hello there! I’m very glad you dropped by, welcome 🙂 I believe if you stick around there will be more hilarious dating stories… I seem to attract freaks. I shall pop over your way now and return the visit!

  9. doctordi says:

    In that case, Woo, I’m going to make myself comfortable. Let the good times roll!

  10. azahar says:

    This post only confirms my lifelong belief that Nature™ is way over-rated.

  11. OmbudsBen says:

    Given the revenge in your title, I expected you would raid the nest in the park and eat their eggs in front of them.

    But maybe I’ve just been watching the wrong movies lately.

  12. woo says:

    Ombudsben – gross!!!

  13. Pingback: Pepped Up By Persians « DoctorDi

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