In Which I Am Not Going To Beat Myself Up About This

Tall Pilot Guy just wants to be mates with me.

We finally went to see ‘Avatar’ last night (looks beautiful but it should have been at least 1/2 hour shorter and the moral message was laid on with a shovel), and we chatted easily and laughed frequently, but there was absolutely no hint from him of any romantic (or even sexual) interest in me. Confirmed later by a ‘just mates’ text.

Yup. Mates. And I’m not even surprised. I mean, I make an excellent ‘mate’; I can be a good listener, I can be funny, I can be sympathetic, I can be relied upon to tell you the truth/babysit/help move house/lend money, I’m not going to embarrass you by getting shit-faced at a family ‘do’ and I can hold a reasonably intelligent conversation without necessarily agreeing with you on everything.

All strongly desirable mate-traits, I’m sure you’ll agree.

But that’s as far as my strongly desirable traits appear to extend. All my female friends are wonderfully kind and flatteringly mystified as to why men I fancy don’t fancy me, but the fact remains; they don’t.

So – despite well-meant reassurances from one’s friends – once again the evidence proves that I’m simply the kind of girl that decent men just want to be mates with.

Should I endeavour to establish why? What is that I’m doing or being which says ‘just mates’ rather than ‘potential mate’?

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18 Responses to In Which I Am Not Going To Beat Myself Up About This

  1. I’m probably not the right person to answer this question, as I have never had much problem with getting into relationships that were much farther along than “Just Mates”. In fact, I sometimes worry that I just exude some sort of pheremone.

    One of the bloggers I read on a regular basis is called Charlotte Otter. She just wrote a short short story over on her blog, it shows up in three parts and while it doesn’t answer your question I think you would enjoy the tale. This is the link to Part I:

    • Norwichrocks says:

      Loved the tale. Although, I’d rather find someone to tamper with than resign myself to ‘going it alone’ for ever just yet!

  2. Didn’t this used to be a thing girls said to “nice” guys? “Let’s just be friends.” [mates is Australian for friend in American English].

    I also read that men are marrying women for their higher incomes. Some men (not many) are getting vaginas. Some women (not many) are getting penises.

    I read too much science fiction as a child. I never thought I would live long enough for it to come true.

    • Norwichrocks says:

      Yep, apparently, I’m ‘nice’. Who knew??

      If men are marrying women for their higher incomes then I really am doomed to celibacy. Illustration not being what you might call high-earning…

  3. modestypress says:

    I saw Avatar last night also.

    You are kinder to it than I was. James Cameron is a 12-year-old geek, who remakes Terminator and Aliens over and over. It’s nice that the Indians and the Aborigenes win this time, but they don’t. Not really.

    • Norwichrocks says:

      well, let’s just say that I pretty much had to stick my fingers in my ears and just look at the pretty pictures on the screen… πŸ˜‰

  4. Pete says:

    Ah well. Sorry. It’s so difficult to know what vibes we’re giving out to potential partners. (I also think it’s funny that someone who is your ‘mate’ is actually not your mate in the other sense of the word.) From the limited time that I’ve got to know you on the blog I think you’re lovely. But then I’m not a TPG. Tall psychologist guy just not quite the same thing. Anyway, I admire your energy in getting out there and meeting interesting guys. I’m not doing very well at meeting suitable girls here.

    • Norwichrocks says:

      Yes, I’ve always loathed the word ‘mate’ – in all of its many guises.

      And thank you for the lovely compliment!

  5. Hmmm. Maybe it’s not you, but rather, it’s the type of guy to whom you tend to be attracted (which is, in the end, something about you, but not the same as if you were “doing” something to encourage “just-mates”-iness).

    • Norwichrocks says:

      Yes, could be. Without going into too much detail, the kind of men who are attracted to me tend to be men with something to prove – they see my blonde hair, blue eyes and fair skin and they expect a demure, feminine and submissive partner. I’ve been fighting that my whole adult life.

      Whereas, the men I’m attracted to tend to be quiet, introspective and not interested in traditional gender stereotypes.

      Maybe I need to start wearing more black leather?? πŸ˜‰

      • Well, you know — the quiet introspective ones tend to take longer to show sexual interest, as they tend to actually assess compatibility first. I’ll give you three guesses as to how I know this. πŸ™‚

      • Norwichrocks says:

        That’s what I’m hoping. So, friends first, to see how we actually like each other.

  6. azahar says:

    once again the evidence proves that I’m simply the kind of girl that decent men just want to be mates with.

    What makes TPG “decent”? And why the fuck would he ask you out and then after your first date TEXT YOU to say he just wants to be mates? The texting thing doesn’t sound “decent” to me. In fact, it smacks of both cowardice and vanity … think about it. How did he come to assume that you weren’t thinking the very same thing?

    The guy’s a asshole.


    • Norwichrocks says:

      Ah well, I started the texting – I hate the phone. And it was more of a reply to my text asking if he wanted to be friends… so, I think I confused him as well as myself.

      I should know better. Just leave it at ‘Thanks, I enjoyed that, let’s do it again sometime soon.’ And then, if a positive response is received (which it was, though short – hence ‘laconic’), follow up in a week or so with another outing suggestion. I think he’s pretty shy.

  7. doctordi says:

    Just catching up, Woo… but that’s disappointing, going through this whole wringer before you’ve even snogged the guy. I find unrequited attraction the absolute limit of perversity – how does that even *happen*? It contradicts the whole concept and makes no sense WHATSOEVER. But I see there are updates, so I must read on.

    • Norwichrocks says:

      Oh believe me, Di, I could write a book on unrequited attraction. A big, comprehensive book. Possibly running to 12 volumes in an attractive boxed set.

  8. doctordi says:

    Perhaps bring it up at your next title pitch, Woo – I feel sure it would fly off the shelves, because we’ve all had it happen, I think, it’s like a plague. The stench of it followed me doggedly for years and years, and sometimes I still can’t credit its retreat. Hang in there.

  9. Michelle says:

    I had (possibly) a similar thing recently – a guy who was willing to go out with me repeatedly but was not making any moves AT ALL. I was getting very confused and self conscious. In the end I did the only thing I could – invited him over for dinner, plied him with alcohol and had my way with him. Worked a treat! Turns out he’s just a romantic and considerate soul. How was I to know?? I don’t think I have previously come across such a thing. I was beginning to think I had two heads or something…

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