What The Hell Is That Supposed To Mean?

A friend told me this weekend that Tall Pilot Guy is known as a ‘player’.

She also said he was apparently a ‘really nice guy’.

Now, it seems to me that a person can’t be both. So, what am I to make of this information?

Normally, I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who is a player. If anything, I’d be sorely tempted to teach their arrogant arse a lesson by blatantly disdaining them from a great moral height.

But he seemed to me to be a decent chap. Intelligent, funny and interested in another human being enough to maintain a good two-way conversation. If anything, he seemed a little awkward and afraid I might eat him.

And I might have done, had he not been at least 5 years too young for me. 😉

~~~~~

Which reminds me – I keep dreaming of a night nearly a year ago when I had The Man I Love sitting completely still and passive in my arms. It was dark, he was a little drunk and vulnerable and we were alone. And I did nothing except hold his hand and stroke his hair. I wanted to turn and straddle him, kiss him on the mouth and… well, I’ll leave you to imagine the rest.

In my dream, I don’t let my sense of honour keep me sitting beside him, just comforting him while he wept. And I ignore the little voice which was relentlessly telling me “He has a girlfriend. He has a girlfriend. Don’t be that kind of woman. Don’t do it. You’ll never forgive yourself.”

The voice was right; I would never have forgiven myself. But, at the same time, god how I wish I was a less morally disciplined person sometimes. It would have been fun while it lasted.

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23 Responses to What The Hell Is That Supposed To Mean?

  1. modestypress says:

    You’re not a player, I guess. You need someone who plays the same game as you do?

  2. doctordi says:

    So hard, but you did the right thing. There’s precious little comfort in that, I know, right up until you start thinking about the alternative. Ugh – that would have been a horrible, destructive, hurtful mess. I bet the dream left out that bit – and that’s why we love ’em!

  3. azahar says:

    Well, you already know what I think of the guy… 😉

  4. Fugitive Pieces says:

    I have more than one male friend who could be termed a Player (why do I always want to write “Playa”? From there it’s just a short mental step to festooning them with bling and ordering Cristal, yo.) Ahem. They ARE really nice guys – as long as you’re not dating them.
    Periodically, I proffer a bit of gentle advice to them, in the spirit of the sisterhood (“Have you tried thinking of her as human?”) but otherwise I have to resign myself. They’ll eventually figure it out, or they won’t. Favourite response so far: “Why can’t women be like you?”. I am a woman, champ. You not having noticed the fact doesn’t actually change it. And if I were the poor forsaken creature who’s been sleeping with you, I would undoubtedly be tetchy. Now pour me another drink.

    Seriously, try re-defining your morally disciplined choice; less self-denial, more of a happy choice, for you. We need to be careful of the fantasies we let yourselves cathect to. A man who begrudges affection, or withholds it except when he’s feeling needy? Who treats yours as a burden? OK, we’ve had that conversation. But indulge this “what-if?” for too long, and indifference will become your sexual catnip. True fact. And a bleakly unrewarding one, too.

    • Norwichrocks says:

      Excellent point. Good thing we’re just going to be friends then, TPG and I.

      Oh, and if I had a pound for every time a man had said “Why can’t women be like you?” to me etc etc…

  5. Fugitive Pieces says:

    *the fantasies we let OURSELVES cathect to… OK, no more typing without coffee. It never ends well.

  6. I’m not sure exactly what being a player means, I guess I’m just too out of it. I’m too busy gardening and doing massage to keep up with all this modern usage. See, when I hear that phrase my immediate response is to ask, “Oh, he’s a player, eh? {picture that in a rather old lady tone of voice} What does he play, anyway? Violin? flute? horn? what?” So then of course he could be a nice guy, unless he plays tuba which means he is likely to be a drunk too.

    Coffee is a necessity of life.

    This is why they are called “Fantasies”, and there is no foul for having them. What goes on in your fertile imagination is yours and yours alone, and you can make those tales turn out whatever way you want. “Real Life” involves other people and therefore some sort of moral code (I spelled that “cold” first, which has some interesting implications as to what sort of virus infects you with a moral cold but I digress) and no matter how hard it is at the time it is always better to have a moral code and follow that compass. The code is for the times when we are vulnerable and a little irresponsible due to external influences (like booze), hopefully if we have exercised it enough it will be just loud enough to cut through the haze and steer us in the right direction. You did the right thing, because you have a code. You won’t regret it later on.

    • Norwichrocks says:

      “unless he plays tuba which means he is likely to be a drunk too”
      That made me laugh so hard I snorted coffee over my wacom tablet. 😉

      And I like the clarity of your thoughts on the difference between the ending that fantasy can give a scenario, and the ending that one’s moral code gives it. Both can be ‘right’ in their own way.

  7. Ditto HMH above re the moral code.

    What really intrigues me, though, are the particular parameters of that fantasy … as written, it doesn’t involve him becoming actively involved, or declaring his love for you. Granted, as written, it’s a more “realistic” fantasy, and also perhaps less painful, as it doesn’t require him to do anything he wasn’t already doing (sitting there, a little drunk and vulnerable).

    But for whatever it’s worth … I recommend letting go of that fantasy, and constructing a much better one about the one you haven’t met yet. 🙂

  8. robodad says:

    I feel for you.

    Morality is overrated. I tend to base my choices on what feels good, and how the knowledge of it will affect those around me.

    Notice I said “knowledge” of a thing, not the thing itself. i.e., what someone doesn’t know can’t hurt them.

    Insistence on a rigorous moral code seems counterproductive. If you were starving, would you refuse to steal bread?

    I, for one, am famished.

    • Norwichrocks says:

      Me, too, my banana bread for breakfast was disappointing.

      And I tend to the opinion that, while what a person doesn’t know can’t hurt them, the guilt of knowing what you know while knowing that they don’t know it can actually do even more damage. 😉

  9. modestypress says:

    What people say about other people is “gossip.” It should be regarded as a warning, and a red flag, but not the final word.

    Saying someone is a “player” may be accurate (in that he trifles with partners and does not want to have a lasting relationship).

    It may also mean that someone has a grudge against him or is repeating inaccurate information.

    It is also possible that he has changed. This is low on the possibility pole, but strange things do happen. What would happen if you just asked him flat out?

    “Hey, I’ve heard you described as a ‘player.’ Is that true? If so, what does that mean about you?”

    Is that any worse than in the sack asking him, “Will you…? and ?”

    • I had the same thought, Mr. Random. It’s also possible, depending on the agenda of the women he has dated and dropped, that it’s better for them to regard him as a player than to consider that he might be hard to please. 🙂

      • Norwichrocks says:

        Yes, that occurred to me, too. Especially since the same two women have referred to another guy I know as a player before – and I know he’s not what I would define as a player. He is simply attractive and single so he has lots of women throwing themselves at him and it was only very recently that he actually found one he wanted to catch. So, I won’t be abandoning all hope just yet. 😉

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