Titles, Compliments and Phrases

1. I forgot to tell you that I have a new job title: Manager, Images and Digital Publishing Initiatives. Its nonsensically long-winded, agreed, but at least it covers a good 60% of what I do. Also, it shortens to MIDPI, which is cool. I’ve always wanted to be able to burst into a room, wielding a badge and shouting “Hold it right there, FBI!” So this is nearly as good.

2. When more than one person at work compliments you on your hair, saying “Have you done something to your hair? It looks great” and all you have done is to brush it that morning, you know that your personal grooming for the office has recently left a lot to be desired.

3. I’m project managing a new 128 page children’s Atlas of Animals. Completely brilliant because it means I get to decide which animals we include. Obviously, with only 128 pages to cover the whole planet we can’t hope to be comprehensive, but so far I’ve managed to shoehorn in a few of my favourites: the bilby, caracal, the pygmy hippo, the blue bird of paradise, the pronghorn, the wobbegong shark… What are your favourites, why, and where are they from? They might make it into the book…

4. Here are some phrases I have used in the last few days which I suspect you may not have had occasion to use in your working week:

“Here’s that gorilla I promised you. I hope its big enough.”

“Typical Malcolm, that bit of masonry at the top of Jerusalem’s wall is just floating in space. I’ll fix it with the wand thingy and some cloning, just give me a second…”

“Yep, good, that wasp is much sexier than yesterday.”

“Okay, I have a Blackfoot tepee cutaway, a prairie dog burrow in cross-section or a bighorn sheep with one foot missing. Which do you want?”

“No, we definitely don’t want trannies. They’re far too much hassle. And expensive.”

“The knight? Yeah, I’m just sorting out his hairline so he doesn’t look like a dork, he’ll be ready by lunchtime.”

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11 Responses to Titles, Compliments and Phrases

  1. modestypress says:

    Midpi sounds either like a squirrel apprehended half way through consuming your pastry, or some kind of scam involved with inaccurate calculations of the circumference of a circle.

    Sometimes a compliment is just a compliment. Perhaps you have attractive hair. My wife can’t accept compliments either.

    I went over this a while back when I was in trouble on my job, but I love the tenrec. My wife loves elephants and gorillas.

    I don’t have any phrases as good as yours. But I did have the following conversation with someone in my gym’s locker room.

    Me: “Those are interesting tattoos. Do they represent anything special?”

    He: “This one is in memory of my brother?”

    Me: “Oh, what happened to him? [Preparing myself for a sad tale of loss in war or in an accident.]

    He: “Oh, he’s fine. He is just very special to us.

    “The other tattoo is from when I turned 21 and celebrated by getting drunk in a bar. I woke up and saw I had this tattoo.”

    • Norwichrocks says:

      Since I am almost invariably half way through consuming a pastry (or I would be, given the opportunity), my new job title has yet another layer of appropriate meaning.

      Elephants and gorillas (both kinds of each) are definitely going to be in, and I’m pretty sure I can squeeze in a tenrec, too. The Madagascar spread is going to be a blast. I’m really looking forward to it, and the Galapagos.

  2. MIDPI sounds so impressive 🙂

    Favourite animal? What about the hairy nosed wombat, the drop bear and the Great Brown Desert Shark?

  3. Norwichrocks says:

    I shall certainly pop a wombat or two in on the marsupials spread, but I’m not at all sure our readers could cope with the threats of the drop bear and great brown desert shark… We’d probably kill off the already weakened Aussie tourist industry in one fell swoop.

  4. Fennec fox! Fennec fox!

  5. P.S. I feel that no work week is complete until I’ve delivered a gorilla.

  6. Norwichrocks says:

    OMG, the fennec fox is SO going in the book. Those ears… fabulous.

    And yes, it is vital to deliver a gorilla a week, I’ve always found. So much more practical than allowing a gorilla backlog to develop…

  7. I believe you should include the Hellbender salamander, which is one of the largest salamanders in the world and native to the Ozarks. It is on the endangered species list due to habitat loss and pollution, but a totally cool fellow when encountered.

    I’m also partial to snapping turtles, a paleozoic holdover who get a pretty bad rap.

  8. Norwichrocks says:

    Oh wow, hellbenders will go in for their name alone! Great tip, thanks

    …*comes back after a quick trawl of our archives* And we even have illustrations of both the hellbender and a snapping turtle (love its little tongue lure), so they’ll both go in!

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