Okay, so risks sometimes have penalties. I get it.

1. Here’s the zombie attack tshirt:

The shirt rocks. Here’s the design close up:

Its by Aled Lewis and its available – where else? – on Threadless.com, of course.

2. So, risk-taking. yeah. Sometimes that works out well – you get offered free rides on matt black Yamaha R1 motorbikes like this:

Which is fucking marvellous, frankly.

Sometimes, however, you find that you’ve poisoned yourself with a dose of salmonella and spend the next 3 days in the bathroom, in extreme discomfort.

I have always said I am not a cook. People usually reply, “Oh, come on, you can’t be that bad.”

No, really, I am. I cook things only as long as my patience lasts. Which, given that I only start cooking when I’m hungry and want something to eat, is not long. With the chicken breast I ‘cooked’ (and I apply the term loosely, since I actually only waved it under a grill for a couple of minutes until I got bored of waiting for it to be done) on Sunday, that was patently not nearly long enough to kill the bacterial bastards lurking within its pinknesses.

I’ve always been the kind of person who, if I drop a piece of food, will simply pick it up, wipe it on my jeans and then eat it. Up until Sunday, that had always worked for me. I have an extremely robust immune system and so I scoffed smugly at those people who spray every flat surface in their house with anti-bacterial agents and are constantly using those little moist wipes.

Now, don’t get me wrong, my home and my self are clean. And tidy. I’ve just never been one to worry terribly about germs but, at around 3am on Monday after many, many hours of what can only be described as an uncontrolled emergency evacuation, I was promising to take microscopic beasties a great deal more seriously in future.

Which, in my world, means buying my chicken ready-cooked from the spit-roast place up the road. πŸ™‚

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20 Responses to Okay, so risks sometimes have penalties. I get it.

  1. doctordi says:

    Oh dear!! Now, when I read your last post I figured this was *NOT* going to be a good week to reschedule a big lunch… but having had my similar smugness challenged when my similarly robust system was similarly assaulted by similarly undercooked chicken – in India, no less, from which I contracted typhoid despite having ever jab under the sun – I deeply, deeply feel for you, Woo-ster, and your poor exhausted bot-bot.

    I hope the worst is over.

    • Norwichrocks says:

      Well, the worst is over now, I sincerely hope, but I thank you for your very kind sympathy. And weirdest of all is that I’ve never been ill in India or Nepal or Africa, despite merrily eating food bought from road-side stalls. Oh no, it takes my own cooking in my own kitchen to bring me down. πŸ˜‰

      • doctordi says:

        Okay, yes, that’s pretty impressive. We’re definitely eating out, kiddo.

        Yep, agreed. The roadside stalls were FINE; my typhoid came on a silver tray at a friend’s 4-star pre-wedding reception.

  2. piereth says:

    Argh – happens to the best of us I’m afraid. And it was probably the chicken, not the means by which it’s cooked. All chicken is riddled with the stuff. Your poor booster-bottom!! 😦

    • Norwichrocks says:

      So galling, though. And it was an expensive, organic, free-range bird, too. Bugger it.

      • Even expensive free range birds have to be cleaned properly.

        I would argue that all chicken is NOT riddled with salmonella, just as all eggs are not infected with it. Proper care is due, of course, but I have killed and cleaned enough chickens to know that you “can” produce meat that is not infected with the intestinal contents of the bird. It requires proper attention and care when you are drawing the entrails, something time-consuming that no commercial operation, even a free-range one, has the luxury to devote to the process.

        It is also possible that the chicken came in contact with the bacteria at the butcher shop where it was purchased rather than at the farm where it was produced.

        What is really interesting is that the bacteria that gives us food poisoning and the one that is the typhoid bacteria are both members of the same genus, Salmonella. I did not know this until I was looking up the origin of the name this morning. . . Sorry you had to go through such hell just so that I could be motivated to learn my “factoid of the day.”

        I relate to your experience, I had a sterling episode of food poisoning when I was in my late twenties because I was too cheap to throw out the shrimp that was four days old, and used it to make myself a salad with garnish for my lunch one day. What shocked me was how incredibly weak I became after spending two days spewing from both ends of my intestinal system. It was a major chore to walk the fifteen feet back to my bed after a visit to the toilet facilities. Like, lean on the wall and stagger weak.

      • Norwichrocks says:

        yes, I looked up salmonella (from the bathroom, on my iPhone, at about 2am) during the crisis and was equally fascinated/horrified to learn of its close kinship with typhoid. Although, frankly, if you’d told me just then that salmonella was allied to the Black Death I would have readily believed you!

  3. modestypress says:

    How can one get food poisoning over the Internet? I am off my oats as well.

    • Norwichrocks says:

      remember to wipe down the keyboard with one of those anti-bacterial moist towelettes. Urgh, I even hate the word.

  4. Now, the next time you decide to cook chicken and you are feeling pushed for time I would suggest taking out your knife and slicing it up into pieces about a half a centimeter thick and then throwing it into a pan with hot olive oil, a few sliced onions, some garlic and a few herbs. You can toss that mixture around for the same amount of time you waited for it to cook under the grill and the chicken will have been thoroughly enough cooked that it will no longer harbor salmonella. It would probably taste better, too.

  5. Oh, we all got so wrought up about the salmonella experience we forgot to say, that t-shirt DOES rock. I’d wear it to work too, but I think it might make my clients nervous. . .

    • Norwichrocks says:

      Ha! Thanks – the fact that it makes my colleagues a little nervous is kind of why I like it. Our International VP of Sales was reduced to silence by it, which is EXTREMELY useful.

  6. That t-shirt is fabulous .l.. and sorry to hear about the salmonella;I’ve done that at home as well, with eggs back in the days when Evil Big Farm Cruel Eggs were all a person could buy, and before I knew enough not to buy them. I had more pain than, um, but I remember it being bad enough to make me cry for my mommy.

    • Norwichrocks says:

      Oddly, I began by castigating myself for my appalling cooking skills, but since then I’ve repeatedly been told by all sorts of people (people I know to be good cooks) that they have done something similar at least once, so now I don’t feel so bad about it and may, one day, venture to cook something other than toast again.

      I would have cried for my mummy, except that her cooking is even more execrable than mine.

      • modestypress says:

        We are beginning to further limn the requirements of a good mate:

        He will own and drive a dangerous motorcycle quickly and safely.

        He will be polite and mannered, but rude and cheeky enough to offend people who irritate and offend you.

        He will cook brilliantly and hygienically.

        I think we are getting somewhere. If I could do it for David (though I had nothing to do with the matter) and if I could do if for Waxing (though I had even less to do with the matter), it’s a piece of (unspoiled) cake to do the same for you and take all the credit for doing naught.

      • Norwichrocks says:

        Excellent, I’ll just wait here while you sort it out then. πŸ˜‰

  7. I won’t even cook raw meat. I just won’t. I ruin pots and pans because I wander off when I should be cooking, and either eat a lot of overly processed or a lot of raw vegetables depending on how responsible I’m feeling. That sounds terrible, I hope you’re feeling better. I’m glad the bike ride went well, though. Also, the zombie shot is fantastic.

    • Norwichrocks says:

      Yes, the fact that I like vegetables more than any other food (dark chocolate excepted) is probably my only saving grace, too!

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