In which I seem to have mislaid 5 kilos of blubber

1. Since running and working out with my new, maniacally-active [seriously, I think he must be on crack], personal trainer, I have lost 5 kilos of fat. Don’t ask me where, I was too busy sweating to notice. I am also starting to see the reappearance of muscles I had forgotten I possessed, such as my abs.

“Oh hi, Abs, how are you? I haven’t seen you chaps in ages.”

“Hi. Yep, we’ve been here all the time, just, you know, kind of hanging out, not doing much. But we’re back in work now, fully employed in fact, so yeah, thought we’d better make an appearance.”

“Well, good. You look great. Nice to see you. Take care.”

“You, too. And remember, do us a favour and steer clear of the M&Ms, k?”

2. I’m beginning to think that relationship counselling should be compulsory for every couple with a small child. Especially their first. Having a baby changes the dynamic of a relationship (not to mention the woman’s body and consequently often her self-esteem and libido) dramatically – add to that the effects of sleep deprivation and the guilt/blame cycle any time an accident happens to the child [which it will, inevitably: they will fall and injure themselves or scald themselves or trap themselves in the cattlegrid… or maybe that was just me?].

So, I know its incredibly difficult. And I know some men are worse than bloody useless [Piereth, if you’re reading this, we both know who!] but if I have to hear one more woman complain about her perfectly nice partner, I swear I’ll punch them on the nose.

I’m single and believe me, love, the grass ain’t any greener or more likely to be mown without a week of nagging when one lives alone.

3. I need to book SO many appointments when I get paid next week. A haircut, a massage/physio session, an eyelash tint (applying mascara to darken blonde eyelashes every day is far too much hassle) and IPL (similarly, shaving or waxing is far too much bother, so I am getting it gone permanently… this may count as TMI), a dental hygienist visit and a follow up with my dermatologist are all long overdue. I basically need to take a week off work to sort out the various parts of me that need maintenance.

Sometimes I think longingly of dropping out and going to live in the desert on locusts and wild honey.

Well, okay, maybe not the desert, and maybe not locusts, but definitely a community farm in the South of France. 😉

4. I seem to have a recurring itch in the corner of my right eye. Can’t see a rogue eyelash in there so its probably just due to stress and tiredness. Whatever, its driving me nuts.

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11 Responses to In which I seem to have mislaid 5 kilos of blubber

  1. doctordi says:

    So much going on here I scarcely know where to look! But bravo on the blubber bust (though it’s a mystery where you had a lazy five kilos to lose…), and yes, you may be the first to redirect me to this post the moment I need reminding that my partner is perfectly nice and that a newborn baby is, among other things, a world class game changer.

    • Norwichrocks says:

      Well, it sounds highly unlikely that Llew will turn into a dead loss as a partner when the baby arrives (about a squillion to one) but I’m reliably informed that ‘one never knows’. So, if you *do* both descend into the ‘Who’s the more tired?’ game with you pointing out that you were not only woken three times in the night but that your body is also breastfeeding which is triply exhausting, while all he has to do is stumble into a suit and remain half-way coherent through a couple of meetings where no doubt he will be able to sit down comfortably and drink a cup of coffee… 😉 Then I will certainly remind you that there’s a reason they use sleep-deprivation as a method of torture…!

      • doctordi says:

        Yeah, I’m not expecting it, he’s a pretty good egg, but sleep deprivation does do genuinely cruel things to people, so time shall tell!

  2. modestypress says:

    Are you running into or away from Plato’s ideal? What? Ab? Blub?

    • Norwichrocks says:

      I was always more of a Socrates fan than Plato. Largely because I suspect that, for Socrates it was okay to have foibles and weaknesses, as long as one is honest about them – whereas I imagine Plato being much less tolerant. But then, if my mentor had been left with no honourable alternative but to drink poison in front of me, perhaps I’d be a little less accommodating, too.

  3. piereth says:

    1) on the baby/tired thing, I advocate expressing milk so the partner of choice can really fully experience the 4am shuffle. And for the ‘off-duty’ member of the team, earplugs and an ability to turn off!! It works, I promise you.

    T – he is totally useless, but only to me – I suspect there must be some (poor foolish) woman out there to whom his blandishments, excuses and manifest shortcomings look like the veriest manna from Heaven. So I mustn’t judge him too harshly, mwahaha.

    • Norwichrocks says:

      1) Yes – unfortunately these two particular women are all about complaining about their partner not helping, but neither wants to express milk so that their partner can share feeds – its almost as if they don’t want their baby to be less than totally dependent on them, even to the exclusion of the father.

      2) Hmmmm, if she exists, good luck to her!

  4. sledpress says:

    Why do you need to darken blonde eyelashes?

  5. OmbudsBen says:

    Congratulations on re-discovering your body, uncovered from under its adipose insulation.

    I look forward to my own excavations, which I tell myself I’ll get to just as soon as I have the time …

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