In Which Our Heroine Is Very Nearly Deafened But Prevents A Brawl

1. It was my birthday last week. I am now 39 years old, so I took the day off to celebrate. I lay in bed til 10am – almost unheard of for me – then met friends for brunch, went for a run, saw my physio for a painful-but-worth-it session on my shoulders and then spent the evening scoffing cake, reading and watching Time Team. Ah, such bliss.

My birthday present to myself this year was a ticket to see Queens of the Stone Age at the Enmore. And Oh. My. God. Its a relatively small venue and so we were deafened, jostled and sweated on in the best rock ‘n’ roll tradition. Although I wasn’t standing right at the front in the middle for obvious reasons (did I mention I’m now 39?) a group of ‘youths’ had decided to create their own mosh pit right beside us. They were drunk, stoned, bigger and heavier than they thought they were, and they soon became a nuisance – especially to the two smaller girls next to me. I mean, I’m 6′ in heels and not exactly feeble, so I wasn’t that bothered, I can give as good as I get – but the two girls were right at youth elbow height and it was ruining their enjoyment of the show. So, I leaned over as the worst culprit came barrelling into us yet again and grabbed his earlobe between my thumb and forefinger. Hard.

He squealed and twisted round to see what was going on, and I said “Next time you do that I’ll crush your balls into raisins, okay?”

He and his little friends slunk off and we were left to dance, yell and worship happily 🙂

I’ve borrowed both the following image and footage from others via the web as my iPhone simply wasn’t up to the job. Plus, I would have looked like a prat using an iPhone at a QOTSA gig.

2. I updated my profile on the online dating site a couple of weeks ago, and had a couple of emails a day as a result. Then I finally got around to uploading a photo of myself this morning and I’ve been bombarded all day. Which means that a) the iPhone Hipstamatic app performs some kind of ‘duck-to-swan’ magic and b) men are almost entirely visual when it comes to selecting a mate.

I’ve had to add the following disclaimer to the end of my profile to try and stem the tide: “If you’re over 45, unfit, politically right-wing, homophobic, racist or a misogynist, dislike children or believe in god then please don’t waste your time or mine by contacting me. We are not compatible.”

Of course, I felt like adding something along the lines of “If you don’t know the difference between your and you’re, don’t bother” but that would be a [goose]step of grammar fascism too far, so I refrained.

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12 Responses to In Which Our Heroine Is Very Nearly Deafened But Prevents A Brawl

  1. azahar says:

    Read this in bed on the iPhone this morning before I got up – nice chuckle to start the day!

    Which of those photos did you use? I imagine any of them would start bringing them in big time. Would you respond to someone’s profile if they didn’t have a photo? I wouldn’t, mostly because I’d wonder what they were hiding.

    • Woo says:

      Excellent! Always good to start the day with a chuckle 🙂

      I used the two black and white ones. I hate photos of myself. Really, really loathe them.

  2. sledpress says:

    Oh, I would go ahead and correct the grammar. That kind of ignorance and carelessness is a bad omen for a relationship.

    I hate children so viscerally it sometimes surprises even me, but then I’m not trying to date you; other than that, vocal approval of all sentiments expressed (and of the earlobe grab… wish I’d done that).

    From what people tell me the guys on dating sites ALL want photos. I’m not sure if they really want dates or just a free onanistic fantasy.

    • Woo says:

      You know, you’re right. I think perhaps I should add the grammar stipulation after all…

      The earlobe grab is one of my favourite ‘get out of trouble’ moves. I have stopped street fights with it before. I recommend it.

      Eeew, yes.

  3. I vote for correcting grammar. They also need to know the difference between lose and loose; and there, their and they’re. Sadly, my son doesn’t/.

    I will have to remember the ear lobe grab. Just in case I am ever near a street fight or a noise mosh pit — neither of which I have experienced so far in my sheltered life.

    • Woo says:

      Yes, and they need to know the difference between an apostrophe and the use of the plural. You’re quite right – why compromise?!

      I feel sure that you and Sledpress would be admirable advocates of the earlobe pinch 🙂

  4. piereth says:

    Oooohhh, I’m LOVING you even more than normal right now!!

    Balls in raisins – and I can see the agony on the little prick’s face from here!

    And the disclaimer – no-nonsense, absolutely 5 by and brilliant. Go yourself!!!

    xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  5. David says:

    Love the ear lobe grab — very Tom Brown’s Schooldays -ish of you.

    You totally look like a movie star in those photos; I’m not surprised you’ve had an upsurge of interest. I always wonder, though, about those guys … how will they be with their partner when time passes, as it inevitably does, if illness interferes with a partner’s beauty, etc.? Maybe they need the initial “hook,” and then they invest for real. It creeps me out a little, though…that tendency.

    • Woo says:

      Isn’t it? Although I suspect that the black leather heels probably gave the move an extra edge that put it beyond the reach of most of Tom Brown’s contemporaries, though possibly not of Flashman 😉

      Thank you for the very kind compliment. I loathe photos of myself, and if one is honest in one’s description of self in a profile (i.e. not saying your body type is ‘Athletic’ when it hasn’t seen a hard work out since your early 20s etc) then I fail to see the need for them. However, there clearly is a need. I have often felt it a great shame that I can’t offer a picture of my brain since that is certainly my best asset.

      But I’m with you, that tendency to need an initial visual ‘hook’ creeps me out, too.

      • sledpress says:

        Cheers for Harry Flashman! in MacDonald Fraser’s resurrection, he was quite the aficionado of the pebble between the toes and other torments. An earlobe would have pleased him, I’m sure.

  6. Woo says:

    I have this nagging memory of a Flashman film… or am I imagining that? If so, I’m surprised they’ve never been made into movies.

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